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New Weapon: Mk3a Lawyer Insertion Torpedo

V

vutpakdi

SOC-13
Inspired by a comment in our PBEM... :D

Ron

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Press Release

Coming soon from InterstelArms, LIC: the Mk 3a Lawyer Insertion Torpedo
167-993

Rauthier/Core, 167-993:InterstelArms, LIC announces the availability of the Mk 3a Lawyer Insertion Torpedo. Designed to be launched from standard light torpedo launchers, the Mk 3a LIT features a heavily armored penetration capsule designed to punch through the thickest ship armor. In this capsule, your chosen attorney sleeps peacefully in the Imperial rated low berth. The attorney is automatically awakened once insertion has been made and can emerge ready to file briefs. Also included in the capsule is ILexisNexus's complete law library on crystal storage and an advanced meson communication system that automatically connects to the nearest legal comm network in order to facilitate suits.

Options include special litigation attachments, press release/conference modules, and follow on, paralegal torpedos.

Please note: the attorney is not included, and the launcher assumes all responsibility and liability. Also, it should be noted that the Imperial Navy is currently investigating whether or not use of these torpedoes within the Imperium's boundaries violates the Imperial Rules of War.
 
Rumor has it that the Newts are working on a improved 'b' version with a longer range and a improved Code of Imperial Regulations, along with a Imperial Commerce Convention dictionary, and a complete codex of social and legal commentaries in Newt history. The 'b' model will only be able to be used on 100dt missile bays...
 
A TNS interview with one of the Interstellarms engineers reveals that there was discussion of the 'intellectual property' add-on module which itself could handle submunitions including 'leveraging units', 'C&D correspondence units', and 'outright brigandry' but such modules WERE deemed to be a violation of the Imperial Rules of War and further would result in endless hacker attacks on IA net assets and probable public fury leading to the reduction of IA's share valuations.

So apparently the engineers decided this option was 'technically undesireable'.
 
Strangely, the low-berth seems to malfunction in excess of 99% of the time, resulting in the death of the 'warhead.' Instelarms has not revealed this design flaw, and has no current plans to repair it...
 
Um, is there an equivalent of the Geneva Convention in the Third Imperium? I ask because I think that the use of lawyers is a violation.
 
Why does "Schlock Mercenary" come to mind? Sounds like a weapon used by the collective.
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http://www.schlockmercenary.com/
 
Thank you for reminding me of ye livelie awfulleness that was StarCrash :D

(check out the video at the bottom of the page, you'll see what I mean)
 
My wife, an attorney is leaving her old partnership to start her own firm. I'll have to suggest the use of self-launch missiles as a marketing tool. Or, since she does a lot of maritime law, maybe torpedos.

Or, maybe I'd rather survive.
 
Here's an old Traveller's joke:

Q. What do you call a star liner full of lawyers exposed to vacuum?

A. A good start.

UNLESS your'e a lawyer yourself; the answer then is:

A career opportunity.
 
The thing is, there's really only 3 lawyer jokes.

The rest are true stories.

Vileness has a new name. We now have a class of weapons known as NBCL, or Nuclear, Biological, Chemical, Lawyer.

I don't think I'd launch one of these at a ship, though. I'd launch it at a planet; launch several of them, in case (hoping?) some got shot down, and then let them litigate the crap out of the target. No need to fight the enemy warships if their homeworld surrenders. The warships will probably flee anyway, once they see what's coming, trying to get out of jurisdiction.
 
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