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humor, not traveller related


just some silly things people have said...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Why is it that when someone says "Heads Up!" what they really mean is "Duck!"?

"If you're always supposed to 'look before you leap', how come 'he who hesitates is lost'?"

"How come there's always a 'moment of silence' for the dead folks in an accident? Why not a 'moment of muffled conversation' for all those treated and released?"

"Have you ever noticed that you can't blow your nose and fart at the same time? You can't do it! It's like your body has already figured out that letting go of both ends at once will have you cleaning far more of the house than you really intended...."

-----George Carlin, Sage, Mentor, Demigod

If a cow laughed, would milk come out it's nose?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is something we send by ship called cargo, but something sent by car or truck is called a shipment?

Originally posted by Pwyll:
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
This quote is usually attributed to Yogi Berra. And was around long before Danny Ozark was manager of the Phillies.
Why does Hawaii have interstates?

Why do parachuters and skydivers wear helmets? Do they really think they will help if their chute fails?

Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do they refer to something as aerodynamic when it is designed NOT to disturb the airflow past it?

If feeling up Ellen is six sins, how many sins is it to go all the way? (Thanks, George!)

Why is this here, and not in the Random Static section?