Hao's Luck

[Enoki]

Took the plunge and put my first novel, Hao's Luck up for reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12157378/1/Hao-s-Luck

It takes place in 1114 - 15 just as the civil war / rebellion starts.

 

[flykiller]

what kind of comments are you looking for?

 

[Enoki]

I'm open to anything... whether it's :rant: or o: ...

At least the spelling, grammar, and such are right (hopefully... )

I'll be happy if it gets read and I thank those who do profusely for wading through the entire 14 chapters...

 

[flykiller]

well, just little stuff first.

the initial characters appear to be chinese and practicing some level of chinese culture. if so then you should be aware that a vice president would never initiate a bow to a second officer or to a captain, rather the officer would bow (or perhaps salute) first and the vice president would bow slightly in return. chinese are very very (very) sensitive to "face", and hierarchical precedence is critical with them. also, with chinese names the first name is the family name and the last name is the personal name. for Kai Lei Hao, Kai would be the family name and Hao would be the personal name, but it's clear you don't intend that. lastly chinese culture is based on "quanjing", "connections", which far outweigh any consideration of personal competence and achievement. if Kai is being promoted it's because all the necessary arrangements with and considerations for her family have been weighed and pre-determined - her family will not make sure she takes the assignment, they've already made sure she will take the assignment, because for her to be surprised and perhaps reject the assignment would cause the vice president to lose "face" thus guaranteeing he will do everything he can to cause her family to lose "face".

 

[Enoki]

You can't apply current customs to something happening 4500 + in the future in a totally different culture. The initial characters would be Vilani or a related cultural group. The names could be traditional, or otherwise.

Kai's promotion is "Post Captain." That is, Captain by position or "posting" but not by actual paid rank. Just as any naval officer in command of a ship is called "Captain" regardless of rank. So, that would be a normally expected thing in giving her a command of her own.

Spoiler alert!

Spoiler:

Wu's lying... hint, hint...

 

[flykiller]

You can't apply current customs to something happening 4500 + in the future in a totally different culture.

not only fair enough, but entirely expected. but the first chapter, as written, might be taken otherwise. there are four dimensions to any story, one of which is the audience, and they must be oriented to the world you are depicting if it deviates from their own. without that orientation a modern audience simply will take the first chapter data as given - bowing, references to family influence - and balk at how it doesn't fit their unprepared expectations.

hint, hint

yes, it's a wonderful little line in, I must say, an otherwise sparse first chapter. after reading it one still knows very little about Kai, about who or what she is beyond rank and assignment, and very little about what she is doing or why beyond taking command and going someplace. there is not much happening in that first chapter and not much reason to read further, except for that one line.

 

[Enoki]

OTOH, giving too much away in the first chapter makes the other 13 dull as a plank. Starting with the main course is not a good idea.

 

[Leitz]

Read the first chapter. Enjoyed the risk and conflicts. A few suggestions:

1. Write in past tense.

2. Make Point of View shifts obvious. For example, a few extra lines before the "office" scene.

3. I agree with Flykiller; make the "non-Chinese" Chinese bits more obvious.

You have an interesting situation brewing. It seems to need some technical work but it does get one's interest quickly.

 

[Enoki]

Thanks Leitz.

I was aware of the past / present tense choice. I am consistent in using present as the form through out however. And, yes, past is more commonly used. Nice you picked that out.

The POV is Kai's normally. I don't know I could do much more to make things obvious in that respect.

The "Chinese bits" really resolve themselves as the manners sequence stays the same throughout with lots of non-Chinese / Asian names in play doing the same thing(s).
As a note, late in the novel they run into some Solomani who try to shake hands as a greeting. That gets odd looks from the crew who ignore their attempts. I thought it was a nice little touch to make the Solomani and Vilani / Sylean cultures have some differences.

 

[Leitz]

####

Kai blushes. "I'll try sir."





"It looks like we have a winner with Kai Lei Hao." Vice President Wu says as he glances through the one way view wall. "She looks proper, doesn't she?" He says, waving a hand to make the wall opaque before summoning her into his lair.

####


Also, you're right on the 1st person. I intellectually knew it was a choice, just one I never make as my skills are up to it yet.

 

[flykiller]

The POV is Kai's normally.

actually no, it's not. it's universal fly-on-the-wall third person mostly, once or twice drifting slightly into god-view ("Kai feels a shiver run up inside her"). lines such as "Kai drums her fingers on the control console. She bites her lip nervously. She gets on the ship's intercom." show her to be nervous, but there is almost nothing about what she is thinking or feeling, or what she presumes or remembers, it's only a recounting of her words and actions. now this can work very well if the audience knows Kai and knows what is motivating her, but in the first chapter there is almost nothing as to Kai's life or history or goals. yes we can presume she wants to be promoted, and yes we can presume she doesn't want to be captured by pirates, but this is shallow and says little about Kai herself.

 

[Enoki]

One chapter doesn't make the story. Kai's is the POV when I can make it so. Sure, often you are viewing the scene as an observer, but when it becomes personal, when you get to see inside one of the characters, it's Kai.
You get to know Kai throughout the novel, not simply in the first chapter. She's supposed to grow on you not strip her soul naked immediately. She also changes as the novel proceeds and you get to see that progression too.

There are a couple of exceptions to that when Kai's not present where you get another character's POV, usually Zan's.

Sure, it's nowhere near perfect, I know that.

I also appreciate the feedback. That's how you grow and make things better.

 

[Leitz]

My reading on writing lines up with Flykiller's comments. One of the first big jobs of the writer is to get us to empathize with the main character. That moves us into the story and creates emotional connections.

 

[Enoki]

On that suggestion I decided to replace the existing Chapter with a slightly earlier version that has more with Kai personally in it. Did that help?

 

[Leitz]

Yes. She's a sleepy head, not very driven, and has a relationship with someone who is higher ranking.

 

[Enoki]

More like a driven social climber who is a bit of a neat freak and stickler for social rules... But, she does get cured of most of that later...

Oh, she hates her routine job with Ling...

That first part is very accurate if you've ever stood mid watch on a ship for the Nteenth time...