Traveller Store CotI Features New Posts Mark Forums Read Register


Go Back TravellerRPG.com > Citizens of the Imperium > General Traveller Discussions > The Cleon Memorial Library

The Cleon Memorial Library For discussion of Traveller fiction, both official and fan-written. Fan-written drafts are explicitly welcome.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old September 20th, 2016, 12:45 PM
Enoki Enoki is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,615
Gallery : 26
Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+
Default Hao's Luck

Took the plunge and put my first novel, Hao's Luck up for reading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12157378/1/Hao-s-Luck

It takes place in 1114 - 15 just as the civil war / rebellion starts.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old September 20th, 2016, 02:35 PM
flykiller's Avatar
flykiller flykiller is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: desert
Posts: 6,218
Gallery : 102
flykiller Citizen+flykiller Citizen+flykiller Citizen+
Default

what kind of comments are you looking for?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old September 20th, 2016, 02:40 PM
Enoki Enoki is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,615
Gallery : 26
Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+
Default

I'm open to anything... whether it's or ...

At least the spelling, grammar, and such are right (hopefully... )

I'll be happy if it gets read and I thank those who do profusely for wading through the entire 14 chapters...
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old September 20th, 2016, 03:12 PM
flykiller's Avatar
flykiller flykiller is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: desert
Posts: 6,218
Gallery : 102
flykiller Citizen+flykiller Citizen+flykiller Citizen+
Default

well, just little stuff first.

the initial characters appear to be chinese and practicing some level of chinese culture. if so then you should be aware that a vice president would never initiate a bow to a second officer or to a captain, rather the officer would bow (or perhaps salute) first and the vice president would bow slightly in return. chinese are very very (very) sensitive to "face", and hierarchical precedence is critical with them. also, with chinese names the first name is the family name and the last name is the personal name. for Kai Lei Hao, Kai would be the family name and Hao would be the personal name, but it's clear you don't intend that. lastly chinese culture is based on "quanjing", "connections", which far outweigh any consideration of personal competence and achievement. if Kai is being promoted it's because all the necessary arrangements with and considerations for her family have been weighed and pre-determined - her family will not make sure she takes the assignment, they've already made sure she will take the assignment, because for her to be surprised and perhaps reject the assignment would cause the vice president to lose "face" thus guaranteeing he will do everything he can to cause her family to lose "face".
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old September 20th, 2016, 06:09 PM
Enoki Enoki is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,615
Gallery : 26
Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+
Default

You can't apply current customs to something happening 4500 + in the future in a totally different culture. The initial characters would be Vilani or a related cultural group. The names could be traditional, or otherwise.

Kai's promotion is "Post Captain." That is, Captain by position or "posting" but not by actual paid rank. Just as any naval officer in command of a ship is called "Captain" regardless of rank. So, that would be a normally expected thing in giving her a command of her own.

Spoiler alert!

Spoiler:
Wu's lying... hint, hint...

Last edited by aramis; September 20th, 2016 at 09:19 PM.. Reason: Spoiler in tags, not whitespace.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old September 20th, 2016, 06:50 PM
flykiller's Avatar
flykiller flykiller is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: desert
Posts: 6,218
Gallery : 102
flykiller Citizen+flykiller Citizen+flykiller Citizen+
Default

Quote:
You can't apply current customs to something happening 4500 + in the future in a totally different culture.
not only fair enough, but entirely expected. but the first chapter, as written, might be taken otherwise. there are four dimensions to any story, one of which is the audience, and they must be oriented to the world you are depicting if it deviates from their own. without that orientation a modern audience simply will take the first chapter data as given - bowing, references to family influence - and balk at how it doesn't fit their unprepared expectations.

Quote:
hint, hint
yes, it's a wonderful little line in, I must say, an otherwise sparse first chapter. after reading it one still knows very little about Kai, about who or what she is beyond rank and assignment, and very little about what she is doing or why beyond taking command and going someplace. there is not much happening in that first chapter and not much reason to read further, except for that one line.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old September 20th, 2016, 08:07 PM
Enoki Enoki is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,615
Gallery : 26
Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+
Default

OTOH, giving too much away in the first chapter makes the other 13 dull as a plank. Starting with the main course is not a good idea.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old September 20th, 2016, 09:01 PM
Leitz's Avatar
Leitz Leitz is offline
Baron
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Wretched hive of scum and villany
Posts: 2,667
Gallery : 0
Leitz Citizen+Leitz Citizen+Leitz Citizen+
Default

Read the first chapter. Enjoyed the risk and conflicts. A few suggestions:

1. Write in past tense.

2. Make Point of View shifts obvious. For example, a few extra lines before the "office" scene.

3. I agree with Flykiller; make the "non-Chinese" Chinese bits more obvious.

You have an interesting situation brewing. It seems to need some technical work but it does get one's interest quickly.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old September 20th, 2016, 09:32 PM
Enoki Enoki is offline
Citizen: SOC-14
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,615
Gallery : 26
Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+Enoki Citizen+
Default

Thanks Leitz.

I was aware of the past / present tense choice. I am consistent in using present as the form through out however. And, yes, past is more commonly used. Nice you picked that out.

The POV is Kai's normally. I don't know I could do much more to make things obvious in that respect.

The "Chinese bits" really resolve themselves as the manners sequence stays the same throughout with lots of non-Chinese / Asian names in play doing the same thing(s).
As a note, late in the novel they run into some Solomani who try to shake hands as a greeting. That gets odd looks from the crew who ignore their attempts. I thought it was a nice little touch to make the Solomani and Vilani / Sylean cultures have some differences.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old September 20th, 2016, 09:43 PM
Leitz's Avatar
Leitz Leitz is offline
Baron
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Wretched hive of scum and villany
Posts: 2,667
Gallery : 0
Leitz Citizen+Leitz Citizen+Leitz Citizen+
Default

####

Kai blushes. "I'll try sir."





"It looks like we have a winner with Kai Lei Hao." Vice President Wu says as he glances through the one way view wall. "She looks proper, doesn't she?" He says, waving a hand to make the wall opaque before summoning her into his lair.

####


Also, you're right on the 1st person. I intellectually knew it was a choice, just one I never make as my skills are up to it yet.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Outstanding luck shadowcat20 The Lone Star 2 February 3rd, 2011 05:32 PM
Good Luck, and I do mean that Aramis ThunderChilde Random Static 22 March 25th, 2009 12:30 AM
Luck Gibson robject The Lone Star 17 February 1st, 2008 01:05 PM

This website and its contents are copyright ©2010-2013 Far Future Enterprises. All rights reserved. Traveller is a registered trademark of Far Future Enterprises .
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright (c) 2010-2013, Far Future Enterprises. All Rights Reserved.