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The Cleon Memorial Library For discussion of Traveller fiction, both official and fan-written. Fan-written drafts are explicitly welcome.

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  #11  
Old September 20th, 2016, 10:07 PM
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flykiller flykiller is offline
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The POV is Kai's normally.
actually no, it's not. it's universal fly-on-the-wall third person mostly, once or twice drifting slightly into god-view ("Kai feels a shiver run up inside her"). lines such as "Kai drums her fingers on the control console. She bites her lip nervously. She gets on the ship's intercom." show her to be nervous, but there is almost nothing about what she is thinking or feeling, or what she presumes or remembers, it's only a recounting of her words and actions. now this can work very well if the audience knows Kai and knows what is motivating her, but in the first chapter there is almost nothing as to Kai's life or history or goals. yes we can presume she wants to be promoted, and yes we can presume she doesn't want to be captured by pirates, but this is shallow and says little about Kai herself.
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Old September 20th, 2016, 10:30 PM
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One chapter doesn't make the story. Kai's is the POV when I can make it so. Sure, often you are viewing the scene as an observer, but when it becomes personal, when you get to see inside one of the characters, it's Kai.
You get to know Kai throughout the novel, not simply in the first chapter. She's supposed to grow on you not strip her soul naked immediately. She also changes as the novel proceeds and you get to see that progression too.

There are a couple of exceptions to that when Kai's not present where you get another character's POV, usually Zan's.

Sure, it's nowhere near perfect, I know that.

I also appreciate the feedback. That's how you grow and make things better.
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  #13  
Old September 21st, 2016, 07:30 AM
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My reading on writing lines up with Flykiller's comments. One of the first big jobs of the writer is to get us to empathize with the main character. That moves us into the story and creates emotional connections.
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  #14  
Old September 21st, 2016, 06:39 PM
Enoki Enoki is offline
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On that suggestion I decided to replace the existing Chapter with a slightly earlier version that has more with Kai personally in it. Did that help?
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  #15  
Old September 21st, 2016, 08:31 PM
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Yes. She's a sleepy head, not very driven, and has a relationship with someone who is higher ranking.
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Old September 21st, 2016, 09:54 PM
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More like a driven social climber who is a bit of a neat freak and stickler for social rules... But, she does get cured of most of that later...

Oh, she hates her routine job with Ling...

That first part is very accurate if you've ever stood mid watch on a ship for the Nteenth time...
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