Citizens of the Imperium

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Keklas Rekobah August 23rd, 2017 07:06 PM

Alien World Problems.
 
Alien-World Problems, also known as "E.T. Whines", are frustrations and complaints that are only experienced by members of technologically advanced extra-terrestrial civilizations. Here are 20 examples.

Earth people refuse to to even try to comprehend your native language, no matter how loudly or slowly you speak it.

It frustrates you to no end that Earth's Internet is slower and provides less information than your cortical implant would if it was connected to the global network on your homeworld.

It is impossible to obtain any food or drink on Earth that you've grown accustomed to consuming on your homeworld.

The only Earth species that resembles your own is kept as pets and trained to beg, fetch, play dead, and growl at strangers.

Those pesky Earth people won't accept your native currency.

Those pesky Earth people won't allow you to carry your disintegrator in public.

Those pesky Earth people won't stop trying to steal your superior technology.

You ask to meet with the "Being In Charge", only to be introduce to another pesky Earth person.

You build a state-of-the-art death star, only to watch some farmboy blow it up by firing a torpedo down its only exhaust port.

You don't understand why something so small and shallow as the Grand Canyon seems so impressive to Earth people.

You miss the comfort of regenerative treatments on your homeworld, while being appalled at the thought of having to undergo invasive surgery on Earth.

You quietly emigrate to Earth to escape family obligations, only to be outed by an emissary from your government, who insists that you must return home and ascend the throne due to your late father's passing.

You think that Earth people should not have let their archeological sites fall into ruins.

You think that Earth's public nature preserves should be more developed and domed over; with slidewalks, controlled weather, and more animatronic creatures than live ones.

You think that nothing can spoil a vacation on Earth more than having to interact with those pesky Earth people.

You travel hundreds of light-years to steal Earth's resources, only to have your entire invasion fleet disabled by an Earth-made computer virus.

You travel billions of miles from Mars to conquer Earth for its resources, only to have your entire invasion fleet disabled by the common cold virus.

Your butler-droid's batteries go dead, and you can't find a compatible power source anywhere on Earth.

Your civilization has allegedly developed a doomsday weapon that keeps all other civilizations at bay, only to have those pesky Earth people announce to everyone that your 'weapon' is merely an elaborately-constructed lie.

Your parents ship you off to Earth just before your homeworld explodes, and you now feel obligated to spend the rest of your days defending Earth and its people from every conceivable threat.

Can you come up with more?

egor045 August 23rd, 2017 07:28 PM

You find yourself in a region of Earth called "Vancouver" and somehow it reminds you of your home planet.

This Vancouver place reminds you of many other planets as well.

You plan to stay for a week to do some research for a guidebook and you get stranded for fifteen years.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

flykiller August 23rd, 2017 07:49 PM

the ugly alien.

kilemall August 23rd, 2017 08:38 PM

First World Problems.

aramis August 24th, 2017 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by egor045 (Post 572288)
You find yourself in a region of Earth called "Vancouver" and somehow it reminds you of your home planet.

This Vancouver place reminds you of many other planets as well.

You plan to stay for a week to do some research for a guidebook and you get stranded for fifteen years.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

Nice to meet you, Ford.

Barrel August 24th, 2017 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kilemall (Post 572301)
First World Problems.

Major race problems?

Xerxeskingofking August 24th, 2017 05:00 PM

after having visited this planet several thousand local years ago, and having been worshipped as a god by the primitive locals, you return to your old stomping ground looking for a easy pick-me-up of fawning worship, only to find that locals have completely changed their religious views and your now thought of as merely an extremely advanced mortal, if your not dismissed as a myth.

Quote:

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

Stainless Steel Rat?

ShawnDriscoll August 24th, 2017 06:09 PM

The Medusan Ambassador has arrived.

nobby-w August 24th, 2017 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keklas Rekobah (Post 572285)
Alien-World Problems, also known as "E.T. Whines", are frustrations and complaints that are only experienced by members of technologically advanced extra-terrestrial civilizations. Here are 20 examples.
[ . . . ]
Can you come up with more?

  • We can't understand why the humans violently object to the use of our diagnostic probe - except for the ones that seem to enjoy it . . .
  • Who is Marshall Applewhite and why in the pleaides do they think we know him?
  • It's not an elegant weapon from a more civilised age - it's a plastic tube with a cold cathode light.
  • We've just travelled a million parsecs from Andromeda - why does everybody keep telling us to contact our homeworld?
  • Ayyyyy Lmao? What in the name of Grabthar's Hammer is that supposed to mean?
  • Yes, we did find your robot. No, we left it alone - we're not salvage operators.
  • No, Nigel Farage is not a Verkonian. And neither is Jacob Rees-Mogg.

And, finally ...
  • No, we do not procreate by shaking hands.

Keklas Rekobah August 24th, 2017 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by egor045 (Post 572288)
You find yourself in a region of Earth called "Vancouver" and somehow it reminds you of your home planet.

This Vancouver place reminds you of many other planets as well.

I see we have another SGC fan here!
Quote:

Originally Posted by egor045 (Post 572288)
You plan to stay for a week to do some research for a guidebook and you get stranded for fifteen years.

You are surprised to discover that the legendary home planet of humanity isn't called Dirt.

Fifteen years to write "Mostly Harmless"? What in the name of Jeltz was he actually doing?

Back to the topic . . .

Those Earthers keep wishing you "Peace and Long Life"; that is, when they're not asking you for Arwen's phone number.

You are the first "Space Alien" the Earthers have ever seen, and they to expect you to be the harbinger of a great spiritual revelation for the people of Earth. They express disappointment when you translate their "Crop Circles" as advertisements for hygiene maintenance products.

You so impress the Earthers with your technical devices, that they create a religious cult around you, and won't give you a moment's peace forever after.

Now the Earthers are upset over your eating habits; so what's a few mutilated cattle here and there?


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